


Kingsman Doesn't Call it Viagra

by Snafu07



Series: Embarrassment Thy Name is Kingsman [1]
Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Eggsy is sad, Embarrassment, Established Relationship, Harry is a Good Friend, Little Blue Pill, M/M, Medical, crackfic, kingsman has to duck and cover, merlin is mad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-14
Updated: 2020-01-14
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:54:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22249741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snafu07/pseuds/Snafu07
Summary: Something is happening to Merlin that is affecting his physical relationship with Eggsy. Harry to the rescue!Not beta'd. Barely read over. Written quick because the crack needed out!
Relationships: Harry Hart | Galahad & Merlin, Merlin/Gary "Eggsy" Unwin
Series: Embarrassment Thy Name is Kingsman [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1601707
Comments: 12
Kudos: 55





	Kingsman Doesn't Call it Viagra

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Eggsyobsessed](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eggsyobsessed/gifts).



Merlin had an open door policy in his office. 27 years at Kingsman, 23 with his own office, and in all that time no one had ever been unable to get in to see him. Even if they ended up needing to wait because Merlin was on his computer guiding a mission or had his hands filled soldering a tech prototype. 

The past two weeks have been the first in all of this time that Merlin had locked his door. It was inconvenient, but Merlin’s behavior wasn’t making too many people at Kingsman unhappy about it. The man had never been known for his pleasant temper, but Merlin was now exhibiting a level of grumpiness that none of them had ever dreamed of before

Half of the organization had gone to Arthur to complain about their Quartermaster’s attitude. Not that anyone really needed to tell Harry that his best friend, the head of his R&D was getting out of line. He already had plans to handle the situation. Harry knew just what to do. And where to go.

So Harry went to Eggsy first. He knocked on Galahad’s office door, almost as surprised to find that it was closed as he had been the first day he found Merlin’s closed.

“Go away!” A dejected voice resembling Eggsy’s came through the door.

“I will not.” Harry responded, his insult obvious. At least when he turned Galahad’s knob the door opened.

“Sorry Arthur.” Eggsy offered glumly. He turned his desk chair to face his mentor. “What can I do for you Haz?”

Harry let himself in and sat down in Eggsy’s spare chair. “First off, don’t call me Haz. Secondly, I need your help with Merlin.”

“Not sure if that’s possible Harry, I need help with Merlin.” Eggsy’s dejected tone sunk lower.

“Are you saying you don’t know what’s wrong with your own boyfriend?” Harry asked incredulously. The look he gave Eggsy was pure parental disbelief.

“Oh no. I know exactly what is wrong with Hamish.” Eggsy confirmed, slumping in his chair, his hands coming up to reach under his glasses to massage his eyes. “Everyone just keeps coming to me to find out what to do about his awful behavior. And I just don’t know what to do about it anymore than the rest of the Kingsman does.” 

“But you do know what it is about?” Harry pushed.

Eggsy didn’t uncover his eyes. “Please don’t ask me for details. It’s personal. Really personal.”

Harry’s whole approach softened. “Is everything between you and Hamish okay my boy? Your relationship?” The current Arthur did not want to think about what was going to happen around headquarters if Merlin and Galahad were in the middle of a messy breakup.

Eggsy gave a small choked sob. Dry, but pained. “With the exception of his current behavior, our emotional relationship is as strong as ever… it’s the other side.”

Harry understood then, he knew just what to do. “Explain no further my boy. I’m sorry I had to bother you with this. I hope I didn’t make it worse. I believe it will all be over soon.” 

Harry made his way over to talk to Merlin. He pressed his hand up to the biometric scanner and offered his good eye to the retinal scanner to override the locks on Merlin’s door. He was the only one with the ability to. He walked in and knowing that there was no mission going on, he pulled his friend away from the desk, chair and all. “So I hear that some issue with your sex life is disrupting my whole operation.”

You could have picked Merlin’s jaw up off the ground with a shovel it hit so hard. “I… I beg your pardon!” He sputtered, face turning red, eyes flashing.

“Quit it.” Harry insisted. “You’ve seen me doing things I would be mortified to discuss in the real world. You can talk to me about this. And before you tell me mine were all in the name of a mission, think about it. How often were you forced to watch me in flagrante delicto? Did you think you just drew the short straw every time? Because you did not. You were the only one I trusted to be my handler during every honey pot because you are my friend. My best friend. So if you think after all these years that it is one sided and you cannot now share whatever is going wrong with you and Eggsy in the bedroom, well forgive me if I call bullshit.”

Merlin just stared at the man who was indeed his best friend for a long moment before getting up to add the deadbolt lock to his door security. Not that anyone by Arthur could override it. But if he was going to talk about this, he wasn’t taking any chances. “I dinnae ken how you got even this close to knowing what is what!”

Harry just gave him a look that said ‘well duh.’

The next hour was filled with silence, stops and starts, and enough swearing to shame an American high school. There were moments Harry was probably ready to lean on the old cliche about pulling teeth. But he did finally find out what was bothering Merlin.

“So did the issue come on all at once?” Harry questioned.

Merlin dragged a hand down his face. “Nae. At first it just seemed as though Eggsy was having to do extra prep. If ye understand.”

Harry nodded sympathetically.

“And now I am having trouble maintaining an erection at all.” Merlin was so red by the end of this professment that Harry feared for his blood pressure. Merlin looked as though he expected Harry to laugh his head off.

Instead Harry stood up and held a hand out to Merlin.

“What do you expect me to do with that?” 

“You and I are going to medical.”

“Like hell. I am nae going anywhere with ye.”

Harry more forcefully held his hand in Merlin’s face. “You either join me in a trip to medical or I share this information with the next person to come to your door.”

“Ye would nae dare!” Merlin sprung up from his chair.

“Either test me or lets go to medical.” Harry challenged.

So they ended up in medical.

Harry had messaged them on his walk from Eggsy’s office and requested a full work up for Merlin. The medical team, like the rest of Kingsman, lived to serve their King, and were ready for the two men.

A handful of tests, including some blood being drawn and the unfortunate ‘turn and cough’ and the medical team were announcing that Merlin was perfectly healthy. Even his blood pressure was good, which after the past two weeks was something of a miracle.

“Give him the blue pill special.” Harry told the doctor. Normally Kingsman doctors only prescribed drugs to agents, almost all other staff were able to make it to regular appointments outside of work. But Merlin did not.

Merlin’s hackles were back up instantaneously. “I do not want the little blue pill! I am only 55 years old!”

Harry rolled his eyes at his best friend and asked the doctor. “What is the average age of little blue pill users?”

The doctor was obviously trying to hide his amused reaction at the two heads of Kingsman. He tapped away at his medical tablet. “The average age is 53.”

“See?” Harry queried as Merlin just continued to stare everyone in the room down.  
When Harry didn’t get the response he wanted he also included. “What is the average age of the agents here at Kinsman?”

“47 years old.” Merlin and the doctor responded in unison. 

Harry heaved a sigh. Damn Eggsy and Roxy for skewing his numbers. He turned to the doctor. “And how many blue pill specials do you all prescribe to the agents of Kingsman?”

The doctor looked at Harry in disbelief. “You know I can’t give away that information.”

“I am not asking for names, I want to know the number of prescriptions your department writes.” Harry insisted.

The doctor did not look happy, but responded. “Four.”

“See?” Harry said to Merlin again. “Take the damn little blue pill, fuck your handsome young boyfriend, and let my damn operation get back in working order!” Harry emphasized his instructions with a slammed door and a powerful strut back to his own office.

Merlin signed and held out his palm to the doctor. The doctor handed him a sample pack of the little blue pill and promised to fill him a prescription worth of it.

A month later Merlin, his relationship with Eggsy, and Kingsman were back in normal working order.

The end.

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own Viagra or Pfizer.   
> Come visit me on Tumblr! snafu-07


End file.
